


The Light (in the dark)

by JonSnowWhite



Series: A Little Less "Sixteen Candles", A Little More "Touch Me" [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben's POV, Explicit Language, F/M, Find out!, Masturbation, Sexual Content, Sexy times on Reylo land, Some Humor, Some angst, Well - Freeform, before the epilogue, bonus part for the series, father/son relationship, mature - Freeform, what goes on inside Ben Solo's head anyways?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7161359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JonSnowWhite/pseuds/JonSnowWhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To whomever it may concern, a little journey inside Ben Solo's head. Aka the one with Ben's POV. (BONUS CHAPTER!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Light (in the dark)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there lovely people!
> 
> I know I promissed a epilogue, and I'm working on it I swear, but I was inspired to write Ben's POV on the whole situation. Took too long because I had surgery, and I'm in the middle of finals week, but here it is and I hope you like it. I'm going to work on the epilogue as soon as I'm done with finals. 
> 
> Well, anyways, I hope you enjoy my version of our beloved Ben Solo.

_It's an omen_

_Caught my baby crying_

_Saw the silver lining_

_It must be an omen_

_Needed you to show me_

_Without you I am lonely_

_My mind would rule my heart_

_I didn't pay attention to the light in the dark_

_It left me torn apart_

_But now I see your tears as an omen_

_(Disclosure ft. Sam Smith – Omen)_

 

* * *

 

 

The path back to the light is hard.

It’s harder than anticipated, but even after everything, he still has people around him to help him walk through it. His father is the first to accept him, and it surprises him until this day, that the man he thought never understood him was the first to stand by him when he needed him most.

Chewie hugs him tight once they’re inside The Falcon, flying away from Starkiller base. The wookie growls and grunts, but wraps his arms around Ben – Kylo back then – suffocating him with his furs. He’s tall enough to escape most of it, but the hug is so tight that still does some damage.

The scavenger girl and the traitor Stormtrooper don’t take too kindly to him, but it doesn’t matter, they don’t matter to him at all. The girl, scowly little thing, tries to watch him without him noticing, from the corner of her eye, probably curious, but she can’t be too subtle when he can feel her through the force.

Back at the Resistance base, his mother waits, arms wide open, and that shocks him the most. The love of a mother is said to be strong, but he never expected such a kind and warm welcome. She does strike him across the face once, after, when they’re alone, him and his family, but kisses him right after.

He is scooped away and debriefed. They poke and probe him in the medbay, they question and berate him, but he cooperates through everything. He tells them much of what he knows, but keeps some for himself just in case he needs to bargain later. They put him on lockdown in his mother’s adjoined quarters, guards outside the door, until further notice. Later he learns that much progress was made with the information he delivered them, so he is allowed to leave on a mission to retrieve Luke Skywalker.

It’s the worst form of punishment he can think of, and he’s been through some shit under Snoke’s ruthless tutelage.

He leaves on The Falcon with the Scavenger Girl. She is angry at him, probably for the same reason why everybody else on the base is, he is still Kylo Ren to them. That should be reason enough, he supposes. So the trip is awfully quiet.

He doesn’t mind the hostility she projects his way, or the dead silence around the ship, he’s come from a lifetime of solitude and anger – this scowling girl has nothing on General Hux and his hate for Kylo.

His uncle is waiting by the cliff’s edge, his back facing them.

It’s weird seeing him again after so many years, but Luke only looks at his nephew as if to say _I’m sorry I failed you_ , to which Ben answers _I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough_. His uncle claps him on the shoulder, and Ben remembers a time when he was small enough that his uncle’s hand covered the whole expanse of his head with a gentle caress. His uncle turns to acknowledge the scavenger, ending their silent conversation.

Training with Luke again is… not as boring as it once was. He remembers being filled with frantic energy, always ready to burst and his uncle would only tell him to meditate away his anxiety, but his anxiety had a name – Snoke – and wouldn’t go away. Ben remembers feeling angry that his uncle was useless in helping him, feeling agitated, hungry for a real teacher. Snoke took advantage of his youth and his desperation, slowly seducing him to the darkness.

Now Ben knows the real value of meditating and how helpful it can be. If only he could turn back time and tell young Ben to just sit, relax, and take a deep breath.

The Scavenger Girl – Rey, her name is Rey, he has to remind himself not to call her Scavenger in front of her – doesn’t talk to him, which is fine with him, really, but she is way too eager to follow his uncle around like a lost puppy. He has half a mind to tell her this is not the way to his uncle’s heart, Luke doesn’t take too well to fangirls, especially one as young as her, but he bites his tongue and says nothing.

She, in all her eager youth, is quite the outstanding pupil, he has to give her that. Strong in the force, but sloppy, a fast learner, but a little too eager, she has potential but it’s too rough around the edges, and something Ben catches his uncle sighing in frustration.

They don’t talk, not even when they spar. She does not like him, and he really doesn’t care enough to try and win her over. Ben spends his time fighting his demons, trying so hard to keep Snoke away, trying so hard to atone for his sins, and the only way he can do that is by undoing some of the bad he’s caused.

He can start by killing Snoke, and to do that he needs to be stronger. So he focuses, and he trains and he improves himself and he meditates, and he listens to his uncle and he spars with the feisty girl who glares at him. He does what he must, and at night he does not sleep, does not rest, not yet.

Luke wants them to work on the accidental bond they share, but the Scavenger – Rey – does not wish to be connected to him in any way shape or form. It irritates him, not because he would like to have her silly presence in his mind, no, but because it might be a valuable weapon against The First Order and Snoke, but she is too proud, and too selfish and too dumb to realize this herself.

He does not explode, however, he never explodes. He needs to keep calm, always. Anger and hatred is part of the reason why it was so easy for Snoke to penetrate his mind, Ben is not doing that again. He is never going back to the dark side, not ever.

When they go back to the base, little has changed. People still glare at him and walk away when he enters a room. He does not mind that as well. Ben keeps to himself and the little contact he does have is with members of his family, or the higher ups who are responsible for overseeing his progress. He obeys every single order given and he does not miss being in command.

 

One afternoon he is walking towards the hangar to meet with his father when Poe Dameron approaches him.

Poe Dameron is a weird man.

He smiles too much, and moves too much, and talks too much. Ben does not care for people like that. So when Poe Dameron approaches him in hallway, all Ben can think about is _I’m going to have to let him beat me up, because if I fight back I might be punished and my mother surely does not need to worry about that right now._

It’s not all that unreasonable too, he did torture the guy. Poe is small enough that Ben does not fear real damage could be done here, so he waits for the first punch.

But all Poe Dameron does is smile.

“Look, you tortured me and all, and it sucked, obviously,” he chuckles. “But I admire you defecting The First Jerks and I firmly believe everyone deserves a second chance, even psychopaths like you. So I’m here to tell you, I forgive you for torturing me, but I’ll be watching you, because… duh. And the best way I can do that is from up close, so I talked to Han and he said I can help you in The Falcon some times.” 

Ben is stunned to say the least.

This is not at all what he expected, this is worst.

A beating he would have gladly took – did already a couple of times, before Chewie started to snarl at people who looked his way with anything from anger to disdain – this is something he was neither expecting, nor does he want any part of this.

No matter how hard he tries, Ben just cannot shake Poe Dameron. The guy is persistent as hell. So, he surrenders. It’s really like they say, _can’t beat them? Join them._ Once he accepts his fate, Ben discovers that Poe is actually quite the nice and funny guy.

It’s nice to have a friend, even one as annoying as Poe.

After years of solitude, his only contact being with people who either feared or hated him or both, having someone to be friends with its… strange in the best of ways.

And that is how he moves on, doing things to keep his mind occupied and away from bad thoughts. He does everything that’s asked of him without complaint, even if inside he feels like breaking stuff, he is obedient and almost robotic. He doesn’t argue because he can’t, he doesn’t deserve to have a voice. He has no arguments to justify anything he’s done and the pain he’s caused, so he says nothing, but does everything they’ll have him do.

Days go by and the more he tries, the more his mind walks away from the darkness and into the light. It’s a huge effort, but it’s working, and he’s proud. He even warms up to the weird scavenger girl – Rey, its Rey – even if she still dislikes him. He sees a lot of potential in her, and her presence is a soothing frequency in the force. He does not feel as indifferent to her as he once was.

However, they still don’t talk much. He doesn’t offer her advice or direction, he does not feel it’s his place to meddle with her training, and he knows she would not take it well to his prying. They go on missions together, and being trusted enough to leave the base pleases him more than it should. Knowing his efforts are being recognized is more than he could’ve asked for.

They get through the mission with success, and for two people who supposedly don’t get along, they make great partners. So when needed, his mother sends them out again. Ben didn’t consider she might be doing this deliberately before Poe makes a joke that Leia is trying to set him and Rey up. He might have blushed, but he’ll never admit to it.

That night he observes her a little closer.

It’s not that he thought her ugly or something, it’s just that even possibility that she would come to see him in a romantic light never crossed his mind, not once. Ben doesn’t like to waste time in foolish pursuits, and romance has never been a priority for him. There had been women before, many, but they never meant more than a warm body and a wet pussy. Sex has never meant more than pleasure and debauchery. Love never had place in his life.

The word _girlfriend_ sounds weird even on his mind.

But as he looks closer, he starts to notice things about her he hadn’t before. Like how her skin is sun kissed, or how her freckled nose is lovely, or how strong and capable her hands are. Those are nice things to admire from a far, but he has no illusions they could ever _be that way_. So he does the only thing that seems logical, he puts all that away from his mind and focus on other more important things.

 

Ben has never thought himself handsome. As a child, there was a time he could be called cute, but his teenage years had been awful. He became too tall for him features, too gangly and awkward. He never felt comfortable in his skin, his lack of confidence, and self-esteem issues, kept him from approaching girls he thought cute, and then his mind was at war and he just didn’t have time to be a normal teenage boy.

After he joined the dark side, much of what bothered him about his appearance became too futile for him to care. It was right about the time where his rough training begun. The whole process was brutal, but it helped him grown into his features, develop defined muscles and a certain confidence he hadn’t before.

When he needed sexual release, Ben just had to shed his mask and uniform, go to any decent bar and somehow women would flock to him. He never once had to pay for sex, not even his first time.

He didn’t think himself handsome, but when he was Kylo Ren, there was a level of swag and mystery to him that women seemed to like. He never spent more than one night with a woman, never gave them his real name, or any valuable information about himself, and always left before they could wake up.

That was the extent of his experiences with women.

But now, now he was no longer Kylo Ren, and some of the confidence he wore as a mask, as a result of not having to care about what people thought of him, was gone. Ben Solo never had confidence, Ben Solo didn’t have swag a day in his life, and Ben Solo was not brave.

Ben Solo felt uncomfortable with the looks he got from some of the women on the base – and men.

Months past his arrival, some people were still angry, some still hated him, and that he could understand, accept, respect. But the looks he got the first time he stripped off his shirt to work on The Falcon he could not understand.

He could not understand how people here could lust after him at all. They all knew who he was and what he’s done. How could they even think of him with anything other than disgust?

Honestly, that confused him more than anything else ever did.

He often tried not to think about that. He ignores the giggles and lewd feelings he’s picked up from some of the girls. He tries to be polite, but as distant as possible. He’s not ready to get involved with anyone, doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, so he tries his best not to do anything to lead them on.

One of the girls approaches him while he is working on The Falcon one afternoon. Her name is Nyra, she is a pilot and she always loved his father’s ship, ever since she was a little girl. He can feel the attraction flowing through her, towards him, but she doesn’t look at him like he is a piece of meat, or a monster, or a freak, so he listens while she talks.

She returns the next day, and the day after that. She doesn’t stay long, and only comes up to him when he is alone. She is not the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, or the most interesting, but Ben allows himself to think that maybe he can add her to his small collection of friends.

He’s return from a mission and Rey is being deliberately weird. He mopes around a little, because he honestly thought they were starting to get along, and maybe could even be friends someday. Ben decides not to have dinner with his parents and go straight to his quarters. He is walking distractedly, wondering what he could’ve done to Rey to make her act so weird around him, when Nyra comes out of nowhere, like a ghost.

Ben jumps a little, and curses himself. He can’t afford to be distracted at any given moment. What if Nyra had been a First Order secret agent? He can’t afford to be careless.

He is so mad with himself he doesn’t even fight when she pushes him against a wall and plants a kiss on his lips.

Ben has two thoughts in his head. One is that it’s been a while since he’s kissed someone. And two is that he is definitely in trouble.

He pushes Nyra off carefully, before explaining to her he is not the man she should involve herself with. There is a conversation, she insists, he denies, she tries to get close, he keeps his distance. It ends with her walking away, cursing at him. After that there are no more conversations in the hangar, there are only glares across the room.

 _Sad_ is not the word to describe how he feels afterwards, but it’s not nice to feel like he’s losing a potential friend. Until he realizes that she never wanted to be his friend to begin with. It takes him right back in time, when he was a child, and people used to try and be his friend just because of his famous family.

Maybe she’ll forgive him one day, or maybe she won’t, he’s not sure he cares all that much.

He sighs, and moves on. There is no point dwelling of foolish things, not when Snoke is still breathing.

 

Ben doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about Nyra at all, because soon enough he’s distracted by someone else. Rey is acting weird, ever since they came back from that small island, and he can’t for the life of his figure out why, he only knows it’s somehow his fault. She keeps dodging him. He catches her looking at him sometimes, only to look away when he looks back at her. He seriously doesn’t know what to do about that, he only knows he needs to do something.

Ben would rather have her glaring at him than running away every time he goes near. He likes her presence, it’s soothing, somehow it makes him feel good. He doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize this.

They are practicing with wooden sabers when she loses focus, allowing him to break through her defenses and hit her in the shoulder. Her scream of pain makes his chest ache. He never, ever, wants to hurt her, ever.

“Shit!” he tosses his wooden saber on the floor and rushes to her aid.

Rey is clutching her arm and grimacing when he touches her. A bruise, angry red, is forming already. He takes her arm in his hands as gentle as he possibly can, to inspect the damage done.

"Shit, Rey. I'm sorry."

He brushes his thumb against her soft skin, and feels this weird electricity running through his veins. If he weren’t so good at hiding his emotions when he puts effort into it, Ben might’ve gasped in surprise. It must have something to do with the force, their force bond, because he’s never felt this with anyone else before.

As he inspects her bruise, Ben can’t help but notice her distant eyes and weird demeanor. What is wrong with her? He needs to know if he did something to upset her, so that he can fix it. He’s trying so hard to fix all of these mistakes he’s made.

"Something happened on that beach."

They’re not exactly friends, but he wants to keep a civil relationship with her, at least for the sake of the mission they’ll face together.

"What?" she squeaks.

He’s never heard Rey squeak before. It’s a weird sound coming from someone so… strong-willed. It’s too girlish to come from her. Not that she’s not girlish… or maybe she’s not. She’s a girl, he knows that very well, he’s not blind. She’s just not the type to squeal and giggle. At least, she doesn’t seem to be, but then again he doesn’t really know her, does he?

"You've been weird ever since," he keeps his eyes on her bruise, somehow unable to face her. He is not shy. Really, he’s not. Ben Solo might’ve been pathetic as a teenager, but now he is a grown man. He’s not a shy school boy. Really, he’s not.

"I don't know what you mean. Nothing happened. What could happen?"

She sounds so exasperated. It only makes him more suspicious.

"You're sure?" He insists.

"Yeah. I mean, of course I'm sure. I was there, the whole time, didn't move from my spot to go anywhere. I remained there the whole time, so I know everything that happened there. Because I was there. Not anywhere else... there. At the beach. Alone. With myself. Yeah..."

The hell is wrong with her?

Okay something definitely went down on that island.

Rey pulls away abruptly, as if he burnt her. It hurts a little, for her to pull away as if his touch bothers her. Not that it matters if it does, it’s not like he _wants_ to touch the girl, it’s just that… he’s been trying hard to make a new life for himself and sometimes he thinks people will never stop seeing him as Kylo Ren. What’s the point of trying then?

But he wants to. He wants to try and be better, so he takes a deep breath and tries to stay calm.

"Look," he runs a hand through his hair, something he does when he’s exasperated or nervous "I know we're not friends or anything of that variety, damn, you don't even like me, but you can talk to me. If its force related, maybe I can help."

It’s the best he can do here. He really can’t offer her any sort of advice, and why would she, or anyone, want advice from him? From someone who made all the wrong choices in life? He doesn’t understand much about making good and safe choices, but he understands the force, and that’s where he can be useful.

"Oh... well, you know... I'm fine, seriously, but thank you for... offering. It's very nice and considerate of you," she says awkwardly. "I have to... go now."

Oh boy. What’s wrong with young people? Was he ever this… inarticulate?

He nods. Really, what else can he do? Ben should just be grateful that Poe even talks to him, having more friends is just… delusional. Especially someone as good as Rey. She could be friends with anyone in the base, why would she want to be his anything? _Get a grip, Solo._

He’s deep in thought when her voice startles him.

"You're wrong, you know?"

"What?" His eyes snap towards her.

"About me not liking you," is that a blush he sees on her cheeks? Nah, probably not. "I do... I didn't at first, you did kidnap me and all, but you're not... I mean, you... you're doing your best and I see that. I know that and I appreciate that. So... yeah. I do like you."

Oh…

Okay then.

Man, she’s so young, isn’t she? It’s cute, the way she blushes and looks around like she can’t even say the words and keep the eye contact at the same time. It makes him smile.

"Okay kid. Thanks for that."

She glares at the _kid_ bit, which only makes him smile more.

"I'm going to... go now," she turns around when he remembers something.

"I like you too."

She stops, and for a moment he thinks she might turn around, but she only nods and walks away.

He laughs once she’s out of sight, and shakes his head.

 

At first, hanging out with his dad is weird. Too long has passed since they’ve talked like father and son, and even before Ben became Kylo Ren, he hadn’t seen Han in quite some time. As a child, he thought his father was the coolest man alive, the biggest hero of all time, and all Ben Solo wanted was to be a smuggler like his daddy. But then his force sensitivity developed faster than his father could understand and soon enough they were like strangers.

Coming back, after years trying to forget he had a family, had been the hardest part. What do you talk about, with your parents, when all you did in the years you’ve been apart was suffer and make others suffer? To say Ben was stiff as a board the first time Han asked for his help in The Falcon was an understatement.

_Hey, son, what were you up to?_

_Oh, not much dad, just killing some folks, what about you?_

Yeah… no.

But after a few awkward days, with only Chewbacca to try and break the ice, they found a rhythm that worked for both of them.

Today he starts to work on the ship early. With Rey’s absence from practice in the morning, he can finish his training faster and join his father and the furry wookie in the hangar. Poe is away doing his thing, so it’s just Ben and his family.

At some point during the day, Ben gets this disgusting smelling fluid on his shirt, but when he tries to make a break for his quarters to fetch another, his dad tells him to stop being so damn fancy and just take it off. He thinks about responding, or stomping away, but he doesn’t. He takes a deep breath and tosses his dirty shirt on the floor somewhere. He knows his father, mother and uncle have a bet going on, about him, and he won’t give them the pleasure of winning.

He can feel several pairs of eyes on his naked back, and he knows it’s because the scars he carries. Ugly thing, his marred back, but he doesn’t really care, it’s not like he has a lot of pretty parts to flash around anyways. But the worst thing is his father’s small, and badly contained, gasp. Ben can feel the anguish coming from the older man, he knows his father wants to ask, he feels the man’s anger, but he says nothing. Smart of him, really, because Ben is not ready to have this conversation, especially in public.

He is thinking poorly of himself when he hears a squeal and a thud. Ben turns around, quickly, to watch Rey lying face down on the floor.

Ben is not really thinking when he grabs her by the shoulders to help her up. He turns her around and immediately stars to look for bruises and scratches. What is up with her lately? He knows she’s not that careless.

She acts weird the whole time he stands close to her, and he wonders if maybe she feels this electricity running through them, like he does. She puts both hands on his naked chest to support herself, or maybe push him away, and he instantly grows warm. Man, has it been that long for him, that a simple touch is setting his skin on fire? Pathetic.

He tries to get her to go to the infirmary, but she is so stubborn, so of course she doesn’t go, and better yet, she blames him for her misfortune. As if!

Outraged, he loses his patience with her and his father and storms out. Fine, if she wants to die is her prerogative, he does not care. He couldn’t care less if she dies in her sleep, and he tells her that.

However, a night later, as he finds comfort in his bed, Ben feels something weird flowing in the force. He doesn’t know what it is, only that it comes from Rey. He thinks about going to her quarters to check on her, but soon realizes how stupid that sounds. She doesn’t seem to be in distress, but he can’t identify the emotion either, he only detects a tint of embarrassment and something else. Ben decides it’s none of his business and tries his best to tune her out in order to find rest.

His mother summons him in the morning, apparently some of his former Knights of Ren were spotted in the system nearby, and concerned, his mother thought best he investigate the situation. He asks Poe to come along, in case he needs help. He’s not in the mood to take Rey anywhere, and Luke is busy doing his own thing.

The mission turns out to be a bust. Not only they don’t find anything, but they are almost set up. Ben should’ve known better, he trained these people. Nobody gets hurt though, but Poe’s eyebrow gets singed. He’s upset and needs to calm down, so when he walks through the hangar he feels Rey’s presence in The Falcon, and decides maybe he’s not so upset with her after all, though he still think she should take a better care of herself. Doesn’t she get she is too important to be hurt, or sick, or die? Why doesn’t she understand that?

As he walks into The Falcon, following her force signature, Ben is not prepared for what comes next. Something, or rather, someone bumps into his chest, and after that all hell breaks loose.

His mind doesn’t really register much of what happens, the only thing he seems to process is Rey, her towel on the floor, and her naked body slightly wet.

Oh… force…

 

Of course, he makes a fool out of himself, falling on his ass, like a green boy who never saw a naked girl before. He can’t think of anything to do or say, except for _I’m sorry_ and _I didn’t mean it_ while he basically runs out of the ship.

Stupid.

Pathetic.

After he is in the safety of his quarters, Ben imagines her laughing at his expense while telling Finn how pathetic he is. It’s not a pretty image, and it makes him angry enough to throw the first object he can find at the first wall he spots.

Back in The First Order, the rumors were that he was a virgin, or that he was deformed, so ugly and monstrous that the women who saw him without his mask died instantaneously, and sometimes they said that he liked to kill and eat the people he had relations with, like a black widow. He never cared about that, in fact, he liked it. Best to be feared than to be admired, was what Snoke had said.

The women he did have relations with had no idea he was Kylo Ren, or Ben Solo for that matter, so it didn’t add fuel to the rumors going around. He was always careful enough not to involve himself with anyone he could come in contact with in the future, preferring to keep his identity a secret above all else.

There was no point in being shy with the women he fucked. They were both there for one reason only, to find sexual release. Nothing more.

He was a great admirer of the female anatomy, and as red blooded male, he had wondered how Rey looked… sans clothes.

Not all the time, he was not a pervert, only once or twice.

He couldn’t say he fantasized about her… but he wondered about what could be like to touch her more intimately, as any other heterosexual male in the base must’ve done. He had no illusions that one day he’d come to see if her breasts were as perky as he imagined. Well, seems like he was wrong about that. Not about her breasts being perky, they were, incredibly so. They were small, but really nice.

Even so, this is not the way he wanted to see her naked for the first time. Not that he thought he would someday, but yeah, okay… maybe he wished.

Once or twice.

He tries not to think about it too much, though. It’s not right, nor healthy, and he doubts Rey wants someone like him thinking about her like that.

Out of shame, he avoids her for three whole days. It’s not fair, he knows, but he figures she won’t want to see his face either. Rey dislikes him a lot, and he can bet Kylo Ren is the last person she would want seeing her naked – he knows she still thinks of him that way.

He is in the middle of his kata when he feels it, flowing through the air – it’s Rey, and she is distressed.

The only thing he can think about, as he rushes towards where he can feel her, it’s that he will kill anyone who dares touch her.

Logically, Ben knows that she is strong and doesn’t need him to protect her, but his instinct says that whoever is making her suffer has to die.

She is sitting alone in a rock when he reaches her. There is no one else in sight, he doesn’t feel anyone besides them either, but she is crying and that’s all that he can register. Ben drops to his knees in front of her, taking her sweet face in his hands.

“I sensed your distress. What happened? Are you okay? Did someone hurt you? Who did? Tell me! I’ll kill them!”

Rey looks confused, like she can’t even answer his question. She always has something in the tip of her tongue to retort with, so naturally, Ben is concerned. All he can think about is finding out who hurt her and making sure they never would again.

He doesn’t know where this protectiveness comes from, especially when he knows she can take care of herself damn well, but he is too busy to analyze that at the moment. He wipes away her tears and checks her for bruises, and trauma to the head might be making it hard for her to express herself. He needs to be sure, so he looks for bumps too.

“Do you think I’m disgusting?” comes out of her mouth so suddenly it gives him pause.

It’s the weirdest question. Why would she care how he thinks about her? And why in the world would it matter to her if he did, find her disgusting that is?

“Why would I…? Why would I think that?” he asks softly, still holding her face in his hands.

No, he doesn’t find her disgusting. Well, she doesn’t have the best set of manners, she does eat like a rathtar, and smells like one sometimes, after training, but… he wouldn’t classify her as disgusting. He never thought of her as disgusting. Hux, that guy was disgusting, even if he smelled like an infirmary all the time, one look at Hux and Ben’s stomach used to turn.

“You ran away and… ignored me for days,” she asks in this voice… so weak, he doesn’t recognize coming from her.

Rey has never been weak in his presence, not passed out in his arms, not trapped on a torture chair.

“Oh Rey…” he sighs.

He honestly didn’t know she would care, doesn’t know why the hell she does, really. Ben shakes his head, this is all very weird to him, and if he brings her a little bit closer, is not intentional.

“It was not that at all, I promise.”

“I just… I thought… that’s why you ran.”

“No, no, I would never,” he really wouldn’t. Ben doesn’t know how to explain to her how much he admires her, maybe he didn’t even know he did until just now. “You’re… I would never… I could never be disgusted by you, Rey. You’re the most… you’re the most fascinating creature I’ve ever seen.”

And he means it too. He finds her fascinating, has ever since he heard of her. _What girl?_ He remembers asking, and since then he’s finding more and more things to admire in her.

Rey gasps softly, obviously surprised by his confession. She wraps both hands around his wrists, and Ben figures he ought to give her an explanation before she pushes him away for good.

He might’ve pulled her a little closer, totally not intentional though, he has no reason to be closer than he already is, he knows she can hear him perfectly.

“I was ashamed. I walked away because it was the right thing to do,” he explains. “I’m sorry I caught you in such a… delicate position. I came back from the mission with Poe, and sensed you in The Falcon. The mission was a bust, and I had such a bad day, I just thought… seeing you always make me feel a little better.”

At first, he regrets confessing this, but then, it’s already out, so what the hell? The worst she can do is laugh at him, right?

But she doesn’t, instead something much stranger happens. He feels deep feelings of affection flowing from her, towards him. What a strange sensation…

It must have muddled his brain, because next thing Ben knows, his thoughts are leaving his mouth without his permission.

“I’m sorry I looked,” he shakes his head. “That’s not how I wanted to see you naked for the first time…”

Shit.

He didn’t mean it, he swears.

Ben waits a second for her fist to contact with his face, but it never comes, instead he feels her _arousal_ through the force. Shit, shit, shit, this is even worst.

He stands up quickly, admittedly in a hurry to get away from her, and these confusing feelings she’s projecting towards him.

“I… I’m sorry for that. I’m not… I didn’t mean… oh shit… yeah, sorry I’ll… just go now.”

And then he gets the hell out of there.

Ben doesn’t look back to see if she’s following him, and doesn’t hear if she calls for him, he just leaves.

He needs distance from what the hell just happened there right now.

 

Really, he’s freaking out.

Ben paces around in his quarters, freaking the shit out, because hey… he has reason to. He doesn’t know, nor does he understand, what the hell just happened. He doesn’t know why he said what he said, doesn’t know why she felt what she felt, and doesn’t know anything right now.

He passed Poe in a hurry, ignoring the pilot, and locked himself in his room, where he has been pacing around for the last twenty minutes.

Ben sits, and stands up, and sits again, and walks around, because he honestly doesn’t know what to do. Up until now, he thought Rey liked him hesitantly, a little bit, like a person you can’t avoid so you try and see them in a friendly light just to make your life easier, or maybe not at all.

He never thought, nor ever would think, that she would feel for him any resemblance of desire. Might’ve been a fluke, he decides. She is young, has been lonely in Jakku, mustn’t have been in contact with many well-groomed males and her closest friends are gay.

Maybe he is just the first not-so-disgusting-looking-guy she’s been in close contact with and that’s why she’s… yeah, that is it. She is young and full of hormones, it doesn’t mean anything, and she probably doesn’t even understand what just happened. It’s probably the first time. And the last.

He is starting to calm down and something so very strange flows around in the force. Something… he’s never felt before, not through the force, not quite like this.

What the fresh hell is this?

Ben catches snippets of images and feelings, all blurred and confusing. He hears whispers, something sounding like his own voice, something like Rey’s. And then…

_BEN! OH FORCE, BEN!_

Oh.

Shit.

Was she? Did she? No, she couldn’t have. It’s not possible. No, no, no and no. Rey did not just _came_ while screaming his name, that did not just happen. He is going insane, right?

Except, no, there is no mistake. What he felt was indeed her, and because she wanted him to. She sent it right his way, like a fucking message. He can feel it in his bones, her pleasure, he can hear it soundly, as if he was in the room with her. She did it on fucking purpose.

Ben’s knees go weak, and he sits on the bed, unable to stand up for a moment. He doesn’t understand why she would do something like that. Is she teasing him? Punishing him? Playing with him? Mocking him?

He doesn’t know what she is playing at, but he doesn’t like it.

 

Next time he sees her, his cheeks feel hot. He must be feverish, because he sure as hell is not blushing. Kylo Ren has not blushed a day in his life, but then again, he is not Kylo Ren anymore, is he? He ignores her and walks away to meet with Luke, he needs to meditate and take his mind off Rey and her not-so-funny-games.

His uncle asks if he is okay, but Ben only shrugs. He doesn’t feel like talking to Luke, especially when he has so much on his mind already. Ben only wants to clear his head so he can focus on what’s really important, finding and destroying Snoke.

Rey joins them a little while later. He can feel her bright presence before she joins them. He can feel her good mood, her relaxed mind, her satiated body. He really hates her right about now. She offers him and Luke a smile, which Ben does not reciprocate. She thinks is funny messing with him, well, he doesn’t.

“You’re in a good mood,” Luke observes.

“Oh, yes, yes… I had a very nice afternoon yesterday,” she says with radiant smile on her face, and it makes Ben choke on his saliva, because he knows exactly what she’ was been doing yesterday. Minx.

“Great for you,” Luke chuckles. “Well, let’s start, shall we?”

Ben sits a little further away from her than he usually does. He wants to stay away but doesn’t want Luke to suspect anything. He closes his eyes, and focus, ignoring Rey and his uncle. He should not spend so much time dwelling on fooling things, such as girls who don’t know better, not when he has much greater concerns to worry about.

His mind is almost completely serene when something new happens. It feels like a vacuum, a black hole, pulling him in, and just like that Rey opens her side of the bond.

Oh…

It’s the strangest feeling. He still remembers when the bond was formed, in the interrogation room, what he felt, how she looked. Back then he hadn’t known what happened, only later, after Luke explained, could he make sense of it. But nothing compares to actively sharing a bond with her, not just leaving it muted in the back of his head, trying to repress it.

He feels her presence in the back of his head, like she is poking him or something, as annoying as he thought it’d be. Then it changes, she sends waves of calm his way, and he hesitates. What is she trying to do anyways?

He can feel her, eyes open, looking him up and down, like the girls in the hangar sometimes do. It makes him uncomfortable, it always does. The attention is never welcome. And it’s even weirder coming from her – someone he never thought would look at him that way.

But of course, things get worst, and now he is sure she wants to punish him for something, because she sends him an image.

The fucking visual of her own hand, sliding down her stomach, down, down, towards her lower half. It makes his skin hot, his brain fuzzy, his hands sweat. He clears his throat, partially because it’s dry and partially because is a warning that he hopes she gets.

Obviously, she doesn’t, because the world hates him.

_Ben…_

She calls for him. He does not answer, hoping she will give up, but knowing she won’t.

_Did you feel me, Ben? Yesterday? Did you feel it?_

_Of course I felt you, little minx,_ he wants to tell her, but says nothing.

_I’ve never done anything like that before. It was my first time, touching myself, feeling this way._

He tries really hard to stay calm, but the urge to break something is strong. No matter how much he tries, not to give her the satisfaction of a reaction, he can’t help but to gulp. It’s her first time exploring her body sexually, like he assumed before, and she did it while thinking of him. Makes him feel part flattered, part aroused and part nervous.

_It was my first orgasm, Ben. I never felt that way before. It was the first time, and it was all because of you._

His mouth waters hearing this, he ends up choking on his spit, and coughing loudly. A dirty little part of him hidden away where he stashed Kylo Ren, growls in rage, _how dare she keep that from him?_ He wipes the thought away quickly, though. Her first time orgasming, or doing anything really, it’s not his to take – it belongs solely to her.

“Are you alright, Ben?” he can hear Luke asking.

“Fine… fine, uncle,” his voice is rough, maybe due to his coughing fit, or maybe it’s his wild side taking over, but either way, he can _feel_ how much she likes it.

_I like your voice. I dream about you, whispering filthy things in my ear, telling me what you’d like to do to me._

He’s becoming more and more aroused at this point, it’s hard to keep control of his mind and body at once, not with the her assault on his side of the bond. She is trying to break through his walls, and he can’t let her, but _oh_ , maybe he wants to.

_I want you… so bad._

Fuck, it’s been a while since he felt so aroused he couldn’t control his feelings. Usually, even when he was with a woman, fucking or whatnot, Ben was able to keep his focus at all times, never losing himself to pleasure, no matter how hard his cock was. He never lost himself to anyone, and honestly, he preferred it that way. This _girl_ is not going to be the one to change that, he won’t let her, he’ll fight her every step of the way.

_I don’t want to deny it anymore. I want you, your body, your mind and your heart. I want to get to know you, all of you. And I want you to know me – my body, my heart. Would you like that Ben? Would you like to have my heart? And my body?_

Shit, fuck, stop it!

He’s buzzing, with arousal, and energy and _desire_. It’s hard to keep control when you want so bad to just reach out and…

No! He will not let her win.

This is all a game to her, it has to be, she can’t mean it, she can’t.

It doesn’t work that way, these things, they don’t happen to him, not ever. That’s how he knows she can’t mean it. Perhaps she is punishing him, perhaps she hates him, perhaps she is confused, but she does not want him – she can’t.

Ben feels jittery, like he is about to explode, he is losing the fight.

And then… Rey sends the final blow.

She sends him an image, of them, in the woods like they were yesterday. They’re both naked, and if he had been thinking straight, Ben would wonder how come she was able picture his body so accurately. As of now, he is distracted by the sight of her, laying on the floor, over his dark cloak, her legs open wide, her glistering pussy offered to him like a gift. And Ben… Ben has his head in between her thighs, face buried in her cunt making her moan his name, feasting away.

The thing that undoes him it’s not the image of naked Rey, no, he’s seen that before, but the act he is performing on her. The thing about Kylo Ren almost no one knew is that the Knight _loves_ to eat pussy. He really, really liked it, really. Not matter how bitter or strong the taste was, the act itself gave him raw and wild pleasure, made him feel good. Knowing he could bring pleasure to a woman with his mouth only did something to his ego. The thought of doing this to _Rey_ of all people… it’s just too much. He realizes he indeed wants to, _needs_ to, feel her that way someday.

It breaks him finally. His side of the bond opens, letting her in fully. It’s even weirder, this way, both of them sharing this… rare and sacred thing they don’t fully have control over it. For a moment he wants to let it take him, dominate him, engulf him.

Only he can’t, they can’t, it’s wrong.

He can’t get attached, and he knows it’s impossible to be with her and not develop deeper feelings. It’s not because of the Jedi code bullshit, no, he doesn’t care about that. He is not a Jedi, hasn’t been in years, never wants to be again, but he is a man on a mission.

His only reason for living is destroying Snoke and The First Order, the same things that destroyed him. Because that’s what he is, broken damaged, destroyed. He can’t lose focus, he can’t get distracted, and most of all, he can’t drag her, this amazing being of light, towards his all-consuming darkness, no matter what she says she wants. She does not know any better.

Most of all, he does not want to hurt her, and he knows he will. It might not be in purpose, but he’ll end up hurting her, because that’s what he does, he hurts people who care for him. It’s bad enough his family will get hurt once he dies, because that’s what will happen, he is sure of it. Ben doesn’t want Rey to suffer too.

Ben stands up abruptly, startling both Rey and Luke.

He needs to get as far away from her as he can. He feels anger towards her all of the sudden, because she dared to make him want things he knows he cannot have.

“What is wrong Ben?” Luke is probably concerned Snoke tried to get in again. His uncle can’t know, or feel, what happens in their bond, but he can feel his distress through the force.

“Nothing, uncle… I’m just a little distracted today. I’m going to blow off some steam, I’m too agitated for meditation,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Okay, but make sure you meditate some before sleep. It always does you well.”

He shuts her out of their bond and leaves in an angry fit. He really does hate her right now. However he can’t control what happens in her side of the bond, so later that night when she fingers herself again, thinking of him again, he almost caves and bursts into her room in order to fuck her silly. He can tell that’s what she wants him to do, he knows she would welcome this wild act with open arms, she’s basically screaming how much she wants that through their bond.

Luckily, Ben has more self-control than Kylo Ren ever did, and though he does break a chair or two that night, Ben does not leave his room.

 

As the days follow, Ben does his damn best to try and make her see he is no lover material. He is cold, rude, distant and even aggressive. He talked to Luke about meditating on his own, giving his uncle the excuse that he couldn’t focus as well with other force sensitives around, and that it was starting to frustrate him. Luke looked at him for a few seconds, and then nodded. Ben could tell he knew it was a half-truth, but since they’re trying this new thing where Luke is Ben’s uncle before he is his master, the older Jedi didn’t say anything.

They’re all trying very hard at this brand new, yet old, family dynamic.

Speaking of trying hard… Rey is trying very hard to drive him insane.

He is sure the girl hates him, because she likes to torture him often. Maybe this is payback for that one time he strapped her to a torture chair, only this is much worse.

The damn girl is insatiable, touching herself almost every night, taunting him with images and words, moaning out loud for him. She projects feelings that he desperately wants to share, but knows he can’t. It makes it hard to sleep when your hard on refuses to go away, and you refuse to do anything about it – he will not give in.

He is always madder in the morning, tired and frustrated, and she is always cheeky, never letting up. He can feel when she becomes aroused, it’s like he can smell her, even from miles away, and the worst part is that it happens often. Every little thing he does seems to set her on fire. He can't even glare at her, because she gets aroused instantly. What a wanton little tease. What is she, a hormone crazed teenage boy?

Even his dad, took notice that something was going on between them, and his dad is not the brightest cookie in the jar.

The smuggler clears his throat when Ben is fixing a loose panel on the ship. He tries to ignore his dad as best as he can, but the man is nothing if not persistent.

“Are you okay, kid?”

“Fine, Han, why’d you ask?” he is not in a very good mood for talking at the moment.

“It’s just… if you were having trouble again you would tell us, right?”

Ben turns around, and watches as the man he always thought as careless, looks extremely preoccupied. He figures it’s only natural, since Ben is a troubled child, as has gone to the dark side once. It makes him feel a little sad. Lately, he tries hard not to bother his family with anything, preferring to deal with whatever by himself.

“Yeah, dad… listen,” he tosses away the goggles. “I’m fine, okay? It’s nothing like that.”

“You’re sure?” he pushes.

“I’m sure, yeah.”

“You’re just… a little bit snappish these days, and well… your mother worries too much, you know how she is,” he says, scratching the back of his head.

Ben snorts. Yeah, his _mother_ is worried.

“It has nothing to do with Snoke,” Ben tries his best to explain. “Actually… it’s… well, it’s a bit embarrassing.”

He doesn’t know why he said it, or why he chose his dad of all people to talk about this, but… just comes out.

“You can talk to me son, I know a thing or two about embarrassment,” Han laughs and Ben does too.

“There is this girl…” he starts, incredibly awkward.

“Oh, girl talk?”

His father smirks, and Ben regrets immediately saying anything. He groans and is about to turn around when his dad put his hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, come on, it’s just that… we’ve never talked about this before. When you were born, and they told me you were a boy, man… all I could think about was all of the adventure we were going to have together, all of the things I could teach you, and all the fun we were going to have. And for a while we did, do you remember? When you were little, and I used to take you with me on The Falcon, without your mother’s knowledge? Those were the times…”

“You used to think I was cool back then, and that was my greatest accomplishment, son, you thinking highly of me. But then… then your force sensitivity developed and suddenly it was like… you were going somewhere I didn’t know how to follow. But anyway, I don’t want to depress you or anything… you were talking about girls, right? So what about them?”

“Dad…” Ben tries.

“No, no, no. Girls. We never had the opportunity to talk about them, this is important. Tell me son, are you a virgin?” and, just like that he is already smirking again.

Ben decides to let it go, for now, he doesn’t want to dwell on the past either.

“No dad, I’m not a virgin for Force’s sakes, I’m almost thirty. And it’s just one, one girl. She is… interested, and very persistent.”

“Cute?”

“Yeah, sure, cute. But that’s not the point.”

“Are you not interested?”

“No, well… I’m, but again, that’s not…”

“Are you… gay?” he tries.

“No, dad. Damn it! I’m not gay, nor a virgin, okay? There is this girl who wants… to date me? I don’t even know what she wants exactly, but I can’t okay! I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because… are you seriously asking me this? Do I look like the type of person to be in a relationship with? I’m not, let me tell you that. I’m not… good, okay! I carry too many sins, I have too many demons. I not good like this, for anyone, especially her.”

Han sighs, and puts his hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“Son, listen to me when I say this, you’re far  from being the worse person who ever lived. Yes, you’ve made mistakes, but those are not only yours to carry. Your mother, your uncle and I also take part in the blame. You did bad things, yes, but you’re not so far gone you can’t go back. You’re here, aren’t you? You’re trying. You deserve a chance in happiness too, son, not matter how much you loathe yourself, I know that to be truth. And so should you.”

“Dad… you don’t get it, okay? As long as Snoke lives, I’m never going to rest. I’m still not worthy, I still need to prove my worth, I still need to do my part. Before that, I can’t… I’m not good enough.”

“You’re already doing so much, Ben. You’re helping, a lot. Everyone knows this, everyone sees this. I’m not going to tell you what you should do with your life, but I’m going to tell you this much. Son, she is not going to care you didn’t kill that beast yet. If I know the girl as well I like to think, I know that she is very determinate, and if she wants you, doesn’t matter how much you whine, she will get what she wants.”

“Wait… how… but I didn’t even…”

“Come on, kid! Everybody in this base knows you and Rey have the hots for each other!” his father laughs out loud. “Congratulations, you’re the last to find out she fancies you!”

Ben groans.

“Go for it, kid. It’s inevitable, she’ll get you sooner or later, so just give in already.”

From inside the ship, Chewie roars in agreement.

With that, his father returns to work, leaving no room for arguments. Ben sighs, puts back his googles and gets back to work too. Is everyone against him?

Ben thinks about what his father said the whole time he is working on the ship. He muses and muses about it, but before he can come to a conclusion, Rey tugs at his end of the bond. She’s at it again, all wet and naked in the middle of the afternoon, two fingers working in and out of her pussy and moaning his name. Ben drops the heavy tool he is holding on the floor, missing his foot by an inch, and doesn’t hear when Chewie asks if he is okay. He doesn’t hear anything, or moves, for a while. For a while there is only her, and what she is doing and how he can _smell_ her…

He can smell her…

She is soaked.

He can’t… he can’t even…

He gets hard.

“Son? Are you okay?” Han questions.

Ben drops the rag he is clutching tightly and storms out of the hangar, goggles in place. He can hear Chewie and Han calling for him, and even Poe, who he ignores promptly on his way out. He stomps away to his quarters and locks himself in. The table doesn’t survive his ire today.

Damn her!

Damn this girl and the effect she has on him.

Nobody, not in the years he’s lived, had this kind of effect on him before. This is new and completely out of control for him. He needs to take back control, he won’t let her poison his mind with her… feminine wiles. She might be tough as nails, but his skin is thick as steel.

He won’t go down without a fight.

 

Ben wakes up earlier that morning.

He showers and goes straight to the training room, doesn’t even stop for breakfast. He intends to have a much needed time with the training bots, so he can finally let out some of the stress that girl is causing him properly.

In lose pants and a tank top, Ben starts with the training dummy first. He is all fists and kicks, not using his force powers or his lightsaber. What he needs is pure and unabashed violence, no tricks.

He goes through two dummies and four bots before he feels Rey’s presence nearby. Ben takes the broken equipment and tosses them on the storage room. He then walks into the adjoined bathroom and washes his face and neck.

She is talking with his father outside, he doesn’t know what about, but it doesn’t matter, she is already running late and _he_ is running out of patience.  Ben stalks outside, interrupting the conversation.

“Rey,” he is deliberately cold. “You’re late. Get in.”

He ignores Han’s little smirk and walks back into the training room. By the time Rey finally graces him with her presence, Ben already had time to do a few forms to calm himself a bit. He’s torn between pushing her against the wall and kissing her senseless, or walking away and never talking to her again.

He does neither.

Ben does his best to be calm and collected, even when he can practically smell her attraction from where he is standing. He can feel her eyes and she shamelessly appreciates his body. He doesn’t lack for attention, not ever since he grew into his features – the pilots in the hangar make it pretty hard for him to feel comfortable sometimes, with they way they stare – but no one, not a single woman who has ever laid her eyes on him had been this… hungry. Perhaps it’s because he can sense her emotions better, since they’re bonded, he doesn’t know, but the hairs in the back of his head stand to attention with the way she looks at him.

“Tardiness is not a Jedi quality,” he says bitterly.

“Good thing I’m not a Jedi, then,” she has the audacity to shrug.

He finishes with a deep exhale, and opens his eyes slowly. Their eyes meet, and for a moment, they just look at each other. He makes his eye and intense as he can and watches as her breath catches. _Two can play this game, sweetheart._ She presses her thighs together, searching for friction, and it’s almost enough to make him break the gaze. He doesn’t, though, he has more self-control than that.

She blinks first, and Ben gives himself a mental pat on the back. Oh, victory is sweet – is even sweeter when she blushes and averts her eyes.

“Where’s Luke?” Her voice is weak, and she has to clear her throat and speak a second time to get it out.

_Well, well, well._

“He has an important meeting with my mother and some senators,” he states, turning his back to her and stretching.

“He said we should start with hand-to-hand combat today,” he turns around and beckons her to the mattress. “I will show you the basics. There will be no fight until you’re ready.”

“I know how to fight,” she protests like a petty child.

“Not with technique or grace, I’m sure.” The disdain in his voice is palpable.

He is partly annoyed with her, partly annoyed with himself. Either way, he is annoyed. Perhaps, it’s because he feels closer and closer to breaking and letting her in completely. It could be the best thing that ever happened to him, or the worst, he doesn’t know, he’s never been in this position before. The women he’s had before were usually only looking for one thing from him, and he was fine with that.

The attraction he can feel coming from her in waves, but there is also something else there, something deeper. Something he doesn’t know if he can give her, doesn’t really know if he is capable of.

However, he is determinate to teach her properly how to defend herself. He knows the end is near, to what he is not sure, and Ben wants her to be prepared.

He goes through the basics with her the best he can. The proximity of their bodies and the effect it has on her are almost too much to take. He is slowly going insane. He does his best not to act on what he is feeling at the moment, but it’s hard, the struggle is real. More than once, he comes close to throwing her on the mattress and… yeah.

Everything is going as smoothly as it can, until he makes one crucial mistake

“Now, I’m going to try and choke you by lifting you up. This time I need you to have a faster reaction. Because I’m too heavy for you, you won’t be able to throw me over your shoulder, so what you’re going to do is…”

He tells her she can’t do something. So she does.

Before he knows it, Ben is lying with his back on the mat, with Rey on top of him.

Alarms go out in his head. Too close! Too close! Too close!

“This is not what the force is for,” it’s the best he can offer.

“I don’t care,” she leans closer to his face, breathing down on him. “I want to kiss you.”

She comes close to his lips, and for a moment Ben thinks about giving in, but he doesn’t. Instead, he turns the tables on her, and ends up on top holding her arms over her head.

“You don’t know what you’re doing,” he growls.

Force, he wants to kiss her.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I do and do not know, Ben Solo,” she spits back. “I’ve been making my own decisions ever since I was a child, I don’t need you to make them for me.”

“Rey…” he groans, dropping his head on her shoulder. His breath is hot on her skin. “You don’t know… you shouldn’t want this.”

He feels so close to giving up, it’s pathetic.

Maybe he should indulge himself… maybe.

“And why not? Why can’t I want what I want? You’re not the boss of me!”

Ben lifts his head up, glaring at her.

Is she serious? She shouldn’t want him, he is no good for her, she can do so much better. He doesn’t want to rob her of the opportunity to meet someone who is actually better suited for her. He doesn’t want to taint her. The moment they become… something… people will look at her differently, he knows.

“I’m a murderer. I’m not good for you!”

He is so angry with himself. How did he let things get to this point? All he had to do was help the Resistance bring down The First Order, atone for his mistakes, that’s it. He was not supposed to come here and… whatever this is. Ben can’t help but feel like this is his fault, maybe he should have been nasty to her, mean, rude, maybe then she would have understood he was no good. He is especially angry that he _wants_ to give in, he wants to give her whatever she wants.

“This is war, Ben, we’re all murderers.”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“You’re young. This is probably the first time you’ve been attracted to someone, it will pass. It always does,” he really hopes she will, someday, find somebody better than him. “You’ll see. Give it time.”

But she turns him around again, trying to hold him down.

“Don’t tell me how to feel. You don’t know what I feel…” she growls in his face. “But I’ll show you.”

The kiss she presses against his lips is not all that enjoyable. She is angry and eager, but obviously has no experience on this matter. His gasp of surprise gives her the opportunity to stick her tongue down his throat, making him choke. He had never been kissed so violently before.

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly after she pulls back. “I’ve never…”

“You’ve never kissed anyone before?” he realized that the moment her lips smashed against his, but still, it’s a surprise she chose him to be her first kiss – or her first anything.

“No…” she blushes prettily for him. “I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone before, just you.”

That does it.

That breaks him completely. He wants this, he wants her, and he wants her to want him even though he knows she shouldn’t. Once in his life, he wants to take something just for himself, and keep it. He can’t take this anymore.

“You better be sure of what you want, kid, because once I start this, there is no turning back,” he says, close to her lips, and he means it too. Whatever comes out of this… whatever they have. There is no turning back from it, one way or another.

“Kiss me,” she whispers.

So he does

The first kiss he presses against her mouth is chaste and soft. He is still giving her time to back off, but she doesn’t, so he comes back for more. He almost chuckles when he realizes she is trying to imitate him, his movements. He wants to tell her to just let go, don’t worry so much about the details of it all, and just feel. Instead, he just kisses her a little deeper, licking his way into her mouth.

She tastes of lunch and juice, and it leaves him hungry, but not so much for food. Her hands reach into his hair, confirming what he suspected – she _really_ likes his hair. They kiss and kiss, and when he can’t take anymore of her grinding hips, he turns them around again. Rey wraps her legs tightly around his hips, pressing his cock forcefully against her center. He moans, loudly.

He breaks the kiss to worship the soft skin of her neck, while she pants. He grinds down on her, needing the friction as well. Force, it’s been too long, and she is too beautiful. She moans his name so sweetly, it drives him mad enough to cover her small breast with his hand.

“Is this what you want?” he all but growls in her ear.

“Yes…” she moans.

“Are you wet already?” he asks and she moans a little louder.

“Dripping,” she whispers filthy back at him. “You want to feel it?”

This girl is going to be the death of him.

She is eager to get his shirt off, but when it’s her turn, she is shy. He doesn’t know what kind of problem she has with her own body, but to him she looks amazing. He has to palm his cock because if he doesn’t he’ll blow up – quite literally. She spreads her legs open as an invitation to him he just can’t refuse.

They’re kissing again and then her hand is on his dick and his mind melts. He grinds against her. Does she know the effect she has over him? He hopes she doesn’t, it might go to her head.

“What do you want? Tell me,” her small chest is so soft and perky. “Whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

He means it too. Right now, he’ll give to her, whatever she desires. She only needs to ask.

“Make me come,” she says, shamelessly.

“With pleasure.”

With his hands and mouth he worships her body. Her stomach is toned, her breasts soft, her skin warm. He develops a fondness for the little button that is her navel he can’t explain. It’s not something he previously paid much attention to, it’s not exactly the sexiest part of a women’s body, but everything with her seems to be different somehow.

Everything with her seems better.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers in reverence. “I want to devour you.”

“Please do,” she gasps.

“Oh, Rey, do you even know the things I could teach you?” his hand slips between her legs. “The things I want to do to your body? You have no idea. You have no idea of how good I want to make you feel.”

“Show me, Ben. Show me. I want to know. I want to know everything…”

She is wet and warm when he touches her there. So wet… so, so, wet.

“You’re so wet, Rey, fuck!” he grind his hard on against her inner thigh.

He might come from this alone.

“Oh, Maker…”

“I go by Ben now, but whatever you want to call me, I’m game,” he chuckles.

His mood improved immensely in these couple of minutes with her.

“It’s like a waterfall down here,” he cannot believe this is all for him. “All for me?”

“Yes, yes, yes!”

“Fuck me…”

“Yes, I intend to,” she moans.

He kisses her with passion and starts working on her clit. He can’t see, but he imagines her cunt is flushed pink and swollen. He fingers her gently, she is a virgin, obviously, and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

“Open your eyes,” he commands, pressing his thumb against her clit. “Open them, look at me. Keep them on me, I want you to see who is making you feel this way.”

He feels possessive all of the sudden. He’s always been particular about things that belonged to him, but never the type to want to be somebody’s one and only. He never wanted to be somebody’s anything, until her. The thought of another touching her this way, or any way, drives him mad.

“You’re such a little tease, but you know that already. Fingering yourself in the middle of the day for me to watch, using our sacred bond to give me boners. What you did, yesterday… two fingers in your pussy and telling me how much you wanted my cock… it was so hot I got a boner in front of my dad… and the damn wookie.”

She is oh so naughty, and loves the dirty talk. He briefly decides to punish her for making his cock hard in front of his dad, but he can’t be too mad at her when she’s begging for him so wantonly. Still, he last long enough to make her apologize. He deserves that much.

Once they’re past that he fucks her with his fingers like he would with his cock. Giving women pleasure had always been more about his pride than anything else. The ability to please a partner made him feel good about himself, and maybe yeah, he liked the taste of a wet pussy. But doing it to her gives him pleasure, and not because his ego is swelling, but because watching her enjoying herself is extremely sexy to him. He’s never been more aroused in his life, and they’re not even fucking yet.

“Oh, Ben… I’m so close.”

“Mmm…” he licks her neck, takes her earlobe into his mouth and sucks. “Let’s get you there.”

He fingers her G-spot, knowing it’s what she needs to get there.

“Come for me, love,” his words are her undoing.

“Ben!”

She comes so hard, for him, and he almost comes too. She is beautiful like this, flushed red and climaxing. At this moment, he imagines all the things he can do together, and not all of them are sexual. He kisses her face all over, needing to be close to her in any way possible.

He feels sweet, he feels warm, he feels… feels so much.

“I want to take you out, on a date, properly,” he says, running his hand through her hair. “Somewhere green, or blue, maybe both. We can have a picnic.”

 “Yes,” she nods, taking his head in her hands and caressing his face. “I want that. A whole day with you.”

He kisses her again, working on her clit again, trying to get her aroused again. It’s really easy to do too. Damn, he wonders how many times she’ll be able to go in a night. He shivers all over thinking about it. He is so distracted by this train of thought he doesn’t sense his mother and uncle until it’s too late.

What happens after that turns out to be one of the most embarrassing moments of his life. His mother is just was flustered as he is, perhaps more. He caught her once or twice, looking over him while he slept, calling him _her_ _baby,_ so it can’t be too easy for her. His uncle looks upset, but he suspects it’s because they’re doing _things_ on his favorite training room, not because they’re doing things. The man always finds excuses to leave them alone when he can. Ben sees what he is doing now.

His mother leaves in a hurry, perhaps to get away from them, perhaps to tell his father he finally has a girlfriend. In any case, before she goes she embarrasses him some more, suggesting he take Rey to get an implant before bringing her over to lunch with his family.

Say what you will about the dark side, but they don’t have awkward family lunches there.

“Well, I hope you’re happy,” Ben starts. “You said you wanted me, guess what? They’re part of the package too.”

“I am,” she smiles at him.

She looks as happy as he feels.

“Me too,” he kisses her sweetly, before standing up. “Come on, let’s get ready for lunch.”

She intertwines their fingers before they head out the door. He doesn’t have a problem with that per se, the PDA of it all, but it might not be a good idea for her to be seen holding his hand.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yes, boyfriend. I’m sure.”

“Boyfriend?” he smirks.

He has never been a _boyfriend_ before. Aside from the sex, he doesn’t even know what a boyfriend is supposed to do. Take her on dates?

“Yes, _boyfriend_. Why? Do you object to that?” she challenges.

“Not at all, _girlfriend_ ,” he tugs her closer, kissing her temple. “Not at all.”

Eh, he’ll figure it out.

“Let’s get you to the infirmary, shall we? Get that implant put on you ASAP,” he winks.

“In a hurry?”

“Oh… you have no idea. Ready?” he asks before they walk down the hall.

“Yes, I’m ready,” she smiles.

He too is ready, for what, he’s not really sure. But he will figure it out.

For her, he will.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaand this it's, finally over with the chapters, now it's epilogue time!  
> Hope you liked it, tell me all of your thoughts in the comments!


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